


I wish I was enough

by xxDreamy



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Choices, Emotional Hurt, Episode: s03e18 Coda, Episode: s03e18 The Beast Within, M/M, Mental Breakdown, POV Alec Lightwood, Pain, Post-Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Reference to 3x18, Sacrifice, Self-Sacrifice, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 05:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18462224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xxDreamy/pseuds/xxDreamy
Summary: Alec Lightwood has never been a first choice and he was a fool to believe it could change.





	I wish I was enough

**Author's Note:**

  * For [alightbane](https://archiveofourown.org/users/alightbane/gifts).



> Hey!
> 
> This has been sitting in my head for a whole day and now I am here to give it to you. I hope you like it and I really wish this scenario breaks your hearts like it broke mine while writing it.
> 
> I know Alec is who he is and he doesn't want to listen to Magnus this time but it's the point. We all know he is a self-sacrificing fool. I hope I didn't overdraw it.
> 
> I'm sorry for all typos you'll find.
> 
> Enjoy! <3
> 
> D.

When Alec walks into the Institute after meeting Asmodeus this day he feels a little numb and partly expects to break down in the middle of the centre room. It doesn’t happen though. Instead, he strides through the horde of busy Shadowhunters who make him sign some reports on his way to his office. His siblings don’t jump from any corner which he considers a small success because he has no strength to face them right now.

He opens the door and takes a second to look around, making sure no one is there. The lock clicks behind him when he lets go of the handle after he enters the room. It’s dark and quiet, the small flames flare in the fireplace. He moves to his desk and reaches to take something from the back of the drawer. He needs to have it, he needs it to be safe in his hands while he watches it all fall apart. The little silver box is heavy in his palm when he finds it. Its weight is so big Alec feels it pressing on his heart. He straightens himself and his eyes immediately catch the frame on his desk. It’s a picture of his siblings, always there, to remind him he has a family to care for. He smiles for a second before his eyes drift to the small memento he brought from Tokio. Four tiny photographs stare at him and something stings in his chest. Magnus owns different shots, the ones they took first time round. These ones are the second ones. Alec insisted to keep this version to himself.

On the top one Alec is covering his face with his hands, embarrassed because of the thing Magnus said, and his boyfriend laughs at him, fingers digging into Alec’s ribs. Alec remembers the moment clearly and he knows the second photo is its result because he smiles brightly at the camera while Magnus circles his arms around his shoulders, matching smile on his face visible even though his lips touch Alec’s cheek. On the third one Magnus’ palm is resting on Alec’s chin and their eyes are bounded to each other. Alec still feels the warmth of his skin there. It’s not a surprise that the fourth one includes them kissing. He will never forget it. Stumbling out of the photo booth, mouth too eager to leave each other. He will never forget kissing Magnus that night, discovering new levels of being close to each other, Magnus’ skin under his fingertips. It’s all so new in Alec’s mind and yet, it feels like it happened years ago. He grabs the photo and leaves the room, his legs taking him to his bedroom.

Magnus is not there when he walks in and Alec needs to remind himself why. This morning he was so concerned about his boyfriend’s health he decided to send him to his mother because it was the only person that seemed experienced enough to soothe the shaky situation. Alec hopes she can help even though he knows there is no possibility of it. He looks around the room, taking in its surroundings. Magnus’ boxes are everywhere because there was no place for him to unpack them. They were supposed to move out anyway so-

Alec takes a deep breath, his heart suddenly clenching in his chest. He moves to the cartons and looks for a thing that he desperately needs right now. He finds it under some clothes in the third one. The hard structure feels heavy in his palms when he takes it out and looks at it. It’s a second time he feels guilty for touching it but this time he knows it’s a right choice. He opens the black box and is met with a bunch of small mementos again. It’s hard to breathe when Alec looks at them. It’s hard to think when he tries to accept the fact he will become a fleeting memory himself. He reaches to his pocket and pulls the small box from it. He opens it, a beautiful _L_ looking at him. He can’t take the thought he could-

He shuts his fist, trapping the ring between his fingers. He puts it in Magnus’ box, looking at it for the last time, and lets out a shaky breath that was hurting his lungs. He puts it under the clothes again and turns around to sit on the bed. He plays with the photo in his palms while his mind tries to work a way to face his boyfriend. He watches the smile that flashes on Magnus’ face and he feels weak in his knees. He quickly reaches to cover his mouth with his palm but he is not fast enough, loud sob escaping between his fingers. He falls from the bed, his hands covering his face. He doesn’t know what is happening, he has never felt like this before. He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, he can’t-

 _Get yourself together, Lightwood_ , he tells himself but it doesn’t work. Not this time. It has always worked but this time Alec is hopeless while his hands are shaking rapidly. He desperately tries to catch his breath but he can’t focus on it. The only thing he can think of is the fact that he lost Magnus forever and there is nothing he can do to reverse that. It all crowds him, digging into his thoughts, making him shake. Tears are falling from his cheeks and he feels like he is going to choke on them if he doesn’t choke on his breath. It’s so hard to breathe, so hard, _so hard._ He tries to force the air to come into his lungs and it dies in his throat, the small photograph falls from his palm when he tries to calm down. It doesn’t help, it doesn’t work, he can’t-

He doesn’t know what to do so he just chokes and chokes and chokes until the pain in his chest becomes too much and he is certain he will die any minute. This is too much, _too much._

And it stops. Just like it started. Unexpectedly and fast. It’s not there anymore and he can breathe again. His hands are still shaking when he looks at them but now he is able to actually see them. His face is covered with tears but he doesn’t pay attention to it. He feels numb. Empty. Like he cried out all the tears he had in his body and now nothing is left. He is hollow. He is meaningless and the realization comes quickly.

It’s over. It’s all over. And he accepts it. It’s all he needed. He needed this to understand and let out everything he was keeping inside. He reaches for the photo and looks at it again, his thumb caressing the visible memory Alec doesn’t want to let go of.

The handle clicks and Alec stumbles to his feet quicker than expected, the picture forgotten on the bed. When Magnus walks in, there is a hint of a smile on his face. He looks better than this morning. He looks more alive. He looks happier. Alec tries to smile at him when Magnus notices his figure. At first Magnus’ smile widens but then, as Alec suspects, he notices his red eyes and his smile falters.

“Alexander, what happened?”, he storms to him, his hands already lifted to check Alec’s face. “Are you okay? Did something happened?”, his palms roam around his body frantically and Alec’s heart breaks, preparing for the unavoidable. Magnus cares about him, Magnus loves him, Magnus doesn’t want to lose him like that, Alec knows it but-

He surges forward, his lips colliding with Magnus’. It’s a messy kiss, his mouth trembling, fresh tears coloring Magnus’ cheeks. He knows it’s probably the last time he does it and he can’t miss the opportunity to memorize it. His boyfriend shoves him delicately and looks at him with a concern in his irises. He opens his mouth to say something but Alec is quicker.

“I’m sorry”, he mutters, his eyes desperately trying to escape Magnus’.

“What are you sorry for, darling? There is nothing I can think of”, his boyfriend tries to calm him down.

“I should’ve realized earlier, I was so stupid to believe-”

“Look, if it’s about yesterday, I am the one who is supposed to be sorry”, he caresses his face with his thumbs. “I am a really closed person and I tend to separate myself from other people as you know and I’m sorry I made you feel guilty but I assure you there is no need to feel like that”, Alec watches him silently and wants to cry because _this is so unfair._

“I thought we could be happy-”, he starts but Magnus shakes his head at him.

“We are happy, Alexander”, he says and if Alec didn’t know better, he would be willing to believe him.

“You are not”, he answers and notices as Magnus’ mouth open to utter some words. “I know you’re not, I saw you yesterday, Magnus. I _hold_ you”, he emphasizes, his hands starting to tremble.

“I was drunk and hurt and I should’ve never said that”, Magnus tries to explain but Alec gives him a sad look.

“You were honest”, he differs, watching as regret appears in Magnus’ eyes. He steps back, his shaking palms hiding behind his back and Magnus’ face is overcome by fear.

“What-”, he breathes quietly but Alec interrupts him.

“I need to talk to you”, he says, his voice calm and steady. Magnus watches his every move, eyes never leaving his body. “I did something and no matter what, I think you have a right to know about it”, the hurt flashes in Magnus’ gaze and Alec hates himself for putting it there. He also hates the thought what it can mean and the fact Magnus can even think it can mean that. He needs to get out of here. He needs to _breathe_ right now. “I got your magic back”, he says instead and his boyfriend blinks at him like he has just spoken in another language.

“What?”, he asks, his voice trembling when he starts nervously playing with his fingers.

“I went to your father to ask for it”, he tells him and watches as Magnus’ face welcomes a hint of betrayal.

“Why would you? He’s a demon, his deals are not to be trusted, they are tricky and you should never-”

“But I did”, Alec states. “And I wanted to decide for us both but then I realized you have a right to know about it. I promised to always be honest with you”

“Decide for us both?”, Magnus repeats, his eyes staring into Alec’s. “What do you mean? What does he want?”, his voice shakes and Alec can’t ignore the pain in it.

“He wants us to break up-”

“What? No. No, Alexander, don’t believe his lies”, Magnus tries, stepping closer to Alec. He pulls away, trying to maintain the distance between them. It will hurt less this way.

“He said he will give you your magic back if I break your heart”, he explains and Magnus shuts his mouth. Alec knows it’s the truth, he knows he is processing the deal and it’s only a  matter of seconds before he starts considering it.

“You can’t expect me to choose”, Magnus chokes, tears gathering in his eyes.

“I don’t”, Alec whispers and he hopes Magnus understands that there is only one way he sees it.

“Alexander-”, Magnus tries to speak but Alec quietens him.

“You are not yourself without your magic, I can see you falter and, since yesterday, I know-”, he chokes a little. “I know you can’t be happy”

“You’re putting words in my mouth”, Magnus shouts angrily and Alec wonders if it’s his way to protect himself or if he really disagrees. He doesn’t know anything anymore.

“I wish-”, his voice trembles slightly. “I wish our love was enough. I wish _I_ was enough but I’m not and we both know it”

Alec Lightwood has never been a first choice and he was a fool to believe it could change.

From the very start, just when his childhood began, he was always expected but never needed. His parents treated him like he was invisible and only noticed his existence when something went wrong and they had to blame someone. Jace was the perfect boy, a son they always wanted, the one they loved and cared about. Izzy was the rebellious daughter who was shouted at by their own mother but she always had their father who was protecting her. She was _his_ beautiful girl.

Alec was there, completely alone and without a person to rely on. His family was present but still nonexistent. He tried so hard to be the one who was noticed but it never worked so he accepted his fate and used himself to guard his siblings.

It was worth it, every second of it. But he still tried, he always hoped.

He was never noticed, whether he was with his siblings or alone. People never approached him, they never looked at him, they always treated him like an air. He got used to this. Jace was the handsome one so all the girls were hanging from his shoulders, not that Alec cared. Izzy was the pretty one and it was a struggle to keep her safe when she was too young to get involved into _serious_ business as Alec liked to call it. When they were together, people always noticed them but they never paid attention to Alec. They always cared about his siblings.

When Jace asked him to be his parabatai, it was something Alec couldn’t process. For the first time in his life Alec felt noticed. And at first, he really believed Jace cared for him. He believed they were brothers who could jump into the fire if the other needed it. But with time he understood, Jace liked to choose his own paths and Alec was always left behind. He felt lonely again but it wasn’t something anyone could note.

And then, then he met Magnus. The glorious, gorgeous man who laid his eyes on him and suddenly Alec really felt like he mattered. Magnus acknowledged him, he approached him, he smiled at him, he introduced himself looking into Alec’s eyes. And Alec felt hope. A fleeting hope which grew bigger every time Magnus needed him. He needed him to be a leader of his team, he considered him a pretty boy, he needed him when he held hands with him, he needed him when his magic was running low.

He _needed_ him.

He needed _him._

And then Alec understood that it was a brief connection and freaked out, too afraid to lose everything for a second of being noticed by someone. He told himself it was not worth it. He was never worth it. He ignored the hurting look in Magnus’ eyes when he informed him about the wedding. Magnus didn’t care so much. He couldn’t. No one ever did.

But Magnus came back. He crashed his wedding, he tore everything to pieces and he fixed Alec. He made Alec choose, made him point his own first choice.

Magnus. It was always Magnus.

It was Magnus when he started their relationship. It was Magnus when he frantically looked for him in Institute’s cold walls. It was Magnus when he put him through the indescribable suffering. It was Magnus when he wanted him to stay. It was Magnus when he realized he can’t live without him. It was Magnus when he declined his new position. It was Magnus when he wanted to move in together. It was Magnus when he wanted him to wake up.

It was Magnus when he wanted to propose.

And it was Magnus when he decided to break his own heart.

It was all lost now and there was no going back from it.

“You make me happy, Alexander. You really do, I’m sorry for what I said yesterday, I didn’t have a right”, he interrupts his train of thoughts so Alec needs to move his gaze on him. “Look at me, hey, look at me”, Magnus almost cries, moving closer to get to Alec. He looks at him with fear, stepping backwards to save himself from his touch. Magnus whimpers, clearly hurt because of Alec’s reaction but Alec can’t surrender, he won’t. He doesn’t dare to wish for anything.

“It’s okay”, Alec mutters, his tired irises finding Magnus. “I understand. I want you to be happy”, he admits, tears visible in his eyes.

“I _am_ happy. I’m so happy with you. I can’t lose you, I can’t-”, his voice breaks when he reaches for Alec, almost forgetting about the distance between them.

“I don’t want you to regret it”, he tells him and Magnus sobs. Alec can’t remember any moment in his life when he felt so hopeless.

“We love each other”, he whispers, desperately trying to convince Alec.

“We do”, he smiles sadly. “It’s just not enough this time”

“You said we’ll always find our way back to each other, you can’t just leave”

“Magnus-”, Alec whispers, his palms suddenly lifted. “I won’t make you say it. I love you. I don’t want you to suffer. But I know you need it. I know you feel empty without your magic. I know you love me. I know, I really do, just-”, he chokes, his hands clenching painfully. “You can’t tell me that you don’t want your magic back because that wouldn’t be true”, Magnus’ lips form into a thin line when he looks at him. Alec knows his boyfriend wants to shake his head but he can’t. He won’t lie, they promised each other so. Alec smiles. At least they are both aware of the truth. It’s time to say goodbye, Alec notices, and it has never felt harder in his life.

„You are everything”, he whispers, emphasizing every word and making the first step towards Magnus since the moment he entered the room. “You’re everything and more”, he adds, his voice slightly shaking. He stands in front of Magnus, his staring irises finding his boyfriend’s. He cradles his face in his big palms and Magnus whimpers, his hands trembling when he grips Alec’s jacket. “You are my world, Magnus, and I can’t watch my world falling apart. I love you”, he tells him, foreheads resting together. “I love you enough to let you go”, he mutters and feels Magnus’ head shaking against his own.

“You are not letting me go”, he argues, his words almost a scream. “You are not, do you understand?”, he asks him, hands pulling at the fabric in his fists. Alec smiles sadly, chasing his tears off his face. He knows it’s the last thing Magnus wants to see right now.

“Can I tell you something?”, he says, Magnus’ gaze roaming his whole face. He nods lightly but doesn’t loosen his hold on Alec. “Close your eyes, please”, he whispers and draws back from Magnus. He kisses his forehead and hears Magnus’ sharp intake of breath. “Thank you-”, he starts, his voice already shaking. “Thank you for making me your number one for a while”, he mutters, tears gathering in his eyes. “I’ve never been number one before”, he explains. “For a second you let me believe that I could-”, he chokes, his lips wet against Magnus’ forehead.

“Alexander, you’re-”

“No, let me finish”, he pleads, his voice small and unsecure. He takes a deep breath, his palms brushing Magnus’ neck. “Shadowhunters love once”, he tells him quietly. “Not because we don’t have other opportunities but because we feel assigned to one person for our whole life”, he can hear the small _what?_ that Magnus whimpers but he doesn’t pay attention to it. “I’m sorry I was rushing everything”, Magnus tries to interrupt him but he doesn’t stop talking. “It’s not because I treated you as my only choice, I want you to know that. It’s because I knew from the second I fell in love with you that you’re going to own my heart till the day I die”, he confesses and his hands tremble against Magnus’ nape. “I just wanted you to know I’m not leaving you as long as you want me. You are enough for me but I know without your magic, I am not enough for you. I-”, he breathes. “I should’ve seen it earlier when you chose your people over me. I don’t blame you, I just- I just, I should’ve accepted the fact that there will always be something more important than me. I faced this truth for my whole life but with you I just hoped I could-”, he stops himself abruptly. “You said so yourself, you can’t have both”, he whispers, lips trembling against Magnus’ forehead. He circles his arms around him, his head resting on Magnus’, and his boyfriend tucks his face into Alec’s shoulder.

“I can, please, we can, Alexander-”, he sobs loudly, gripping on every part of Alec’s body he can reach. Alec sighs, the sound broken and quiet.

“You need to let me go to have you magic back, you have to and we both know it”, he finishes, fresh tears trailing down from his eyes. “You need to promise me you will love again. You’ll find someone knew, someone better”, Magnus wants to disagree, his lips moving against Alec’s collarbone but Alec pulls him closer and muffled sounds stop. “You can live without me but your magic, you need to have it, I understand”, he mutters. “Just promise me you won’t forget me, that I won’t become insignificant, that I won’t be just some memory of love that didn’t last long enough. Please, promise me”, he cries, holding Magnus’ body closer.

“Alexander, don’t-”

“Please”, he begs, his voice so foreign for his own ears.

“I promise, you’re significant, you’re important, I love you, please”, he pleads and Alec has to stop the sudden urge to laugh because _fuck, life really hates him_. He steps back, heartbroken eyes meeting Magnus. He folds his arms behind his back again and his face turns emotionless for the countless time this day.

“I love you”, he whispers into the space between them, his gaze longing and sad. He takes a breath, looks at Magnus for the last time and quickly moves to the door. Magnus suddenly sobers up, his arms catching Alec and turning him so their chests are flush with each other. Alec opens his mouth, ready to say something but Magnus traps his face in his palms and smashes their lips together. Alec involuntary stills against him, his hands tremble but find their place on Magnus’ hips while the man kisses him. He can feel tears but he doesn’t know who they belong to. Magnus whimpers, trying to shift closer, and Alec lets him. He lets himself kiss and be kissed for the last time in his life, as he assumes. He savors every move, every tear and every breath. He welcomes Magnus’ tongue between his lips and it takes all his willpower not to moan at the impact. He sobs and presses himself closer, memorizing Magnus’ skin under his fingertips. It’s too much and still, it’s not enough.

Alec never wants to say goodbye. But he has to, it’s not like he has a choice.

He pulls back, his lips leaving Magnus’.

“No, please”, he cries, holding Alec for dear life. “Please, don’t, please, I can’t lose you”, he says frantically and Alec kisses him again to shut him up. Just so he can. Just because he still has a right to do it. “Aku cinta kamu, Alexander”, his voice falters and his hands grip him tighter. Alec doesn’t need to ask what it means. He knows. But it’s not like it changes anything. Alec catches Magnus’ face in his palms, his gaze soft but still heartbroken. He smiles at him and caresses his cheeks with his thumbs. He leans for one last peck, his lips lingering slightly. He breathes against his lips, desperately gathering the courage to do the inevitable.

“Goodbye, Magnus”, he says and feels how Magnus’ fists clench harder on his jacket. Magnus doesn’t want to let him go and this is how Alec wants to remember him. He wants to remember this hold so he can always know that Magnus cared enough to feel the need to stop him from leaving. “I will always love you”, he whispers for the last time and tears Magnus’ palms from the material. Magnus tries to reach and catch him again but Alec looks at him for the last time and moves to walk out the door. He is sure he hears a heartbreaking sob when his hand touches the handle but he doesn’t dare to look back.

It never felt harder to walk away.


End file.
